It is sad that as time passes, the reality for many couples is that love becomes less, and bitterness increases.

As an old Hindi song goes, "Chalo Ek Baar Phir Se, Ajanabhi Bunjaaye Hum Dono…"  It means, "Let us become new friends, as new as when we hardly knew each other."

How much love and respect is there at the beginning of the relationship, and how much many years after--that only the experienced will know.

So can the inexperienced learn something from us old timers, and prevent the heartaches we have gone through?  They sure can.

Here's some food for thought...

When we marry, the person we marry is not perfect, just as we ourselves are not perfect.

The key to a happy marriage is communication, tolerance, humility, and flexibility.

The key to an unhappy marriage is in trying to change the person you are married to, forcing him or her to fit in accordance with your expectations.

People are different.  They have strengths and weaknesses.

A couple should talk about their strengths and weaknesses with each other, with a proper understanding, that sometimes, in a busy life, we are not in control of our own selves, because our "bhavanas" are driving us--"bhavanas" are our innermost feelings; the closest English words are "purpose, " "intention, " or "ambition."

A couple should talk with each other about particulars they find displeasing, but never in a demanding way.  When we demand change, we cross the line.  This is what causes problems. 

For example, here is how a wife can simply communicate the fact that she finds it displeasing that her husband is unorganized, and misplaces things often...

"Honey, you work so hard to take care of us, and I know you have alot on your mind.  I'm feeling so frustrated because I have so many things to organize here, and I am cleaning all day long.  Can you help me out a little?"

Or you can try the Debra's style, from the sitcom, Everybody Loves Raymond.  "Would it hurt you if you did a little bit more work around the house?!"  It doesn't work.  Its funny on tv.  But in real life, its a tragedy.

We should all learn the Dale Carnegie's way of communication.  Say something nice first, and insert the recommendation in a humble, non-demanding way.  Respect the person just as much as you would if you were "Ajanabhi."

What should you do if the other person doesn't listen?

You can talk about your frustration in a non-demanding way.

If that doesn't work, then what do you do?

Tolerance is better than being demanding. 

Tolerance is extremely difficult until you learn to think about the situation.

The person you married has strengths and weaknesses, just like you do.  And more than likely, the person you married is delivering some value added service that is of immense importance.  Does he try to make enough money to run the house?  Is she taking care of the children's needs?

Why then, can men and women not tolerate minor inconveniences?  Is it because one’s career is difficult?  Or is it because running the house is difficult?  Maybe these things are suppose to be difficult!  We should not expect that running the house or staying on top of one's career are easy tasks.  When we have such false expectations, we run the risk of becoming angry that things are not going smoothly; we look for others to blame, and we are inclined to jump at anything that will validate to us that others are to blame.

You have to remember, people are not in control of themselves.  They are controlled by their "bhavanas"--their innermost desires.

Why are we ready to make the entire relationship a bitter, rather then tolerate a minor inconvenience?

As human beings, what we tend to do is to take for granted those things that we become accustomed to.  A nice house that we live in every day is not appreciated.  A terrific, hot meal served every day is not appreciated.  Maybe if we reflect on the value that the other person brings to the table, we will be less judgmental of each others' weaknesses.

Nothing destroys a relationship more than trying to change each other.

Humility and tenderness are also very valuable in a relationship.  Judging from the entertainment industry, it is evident that society worships the depth of experience that can be felt between a man and a woman.  No two people can satisfy each other for long, unless there is humility and tenderness.  The irony is that people also worship power and pride--to have more, to be of an intelligent profession, and to be of a higher caliber.  In and of themselves, these things are not bad.  But humility is essential.  It is correct to be happy about one's intelligence or one's possessions.  It is a mistake to feel mighty about such things, or to feel, in some way, superior.  Instead, one should view oneself as blessed.  Thus, one can maintain humility while also enjoying greater achievements and possessions in life.

Only when one is humble, can one hope to be tenderly loving. If we are too proud to be tender, then we cannot enjoy the depth of love we want to enjoy.  Hence we have to make a choice, either to give up the sense of superiority, or to give up any hope of finding the depth of love that one wishes to experience in a relationship.  One can't expect to have both.  They are incompatible.

In early times, women used to be viewed as subordinate to men, and for a long time, women accepted that position.  Today, the landscape has clearly changed.  The modern woman is increasingly viewed as an equal partner in marriage to a man. While I am not against this equality, it is true that this equality has created quite a few challenges for the institution of marriage.

In today's world, great communication is not an option in a successful and happy marriage.  We can't read each other's minds.  If a woman is in the mood, there is no reason why she shouldn’t show affection to her partner.  Why wait for the man to make a move?  Furthermore, if a woman wants to be surprised with pleasant things, maybe she should surprise her man with pleasant things too!

Along with communication comes flexibility.  In the ideal marriage, both the husband and the wife should be flexible in order to make each other happy.  Many decisions have to be made when two people agree to live under one roof.  How do you stay flexible?  Go back and count your blessings!  Each partner must not forget what the other person brings to the table.  Lets agree not to throw away the greatest depth of love that can be experienced between a man and a woman by becoming stubborn on the details of daily operations.  We must communicate rather than debate.  If we maintain tenderness in our communication, there is a greater chance that we can communicate to each other as friends, and as equals. 

Instead of debates, we can have discussions.  If we can discuss our feelings without being afraid of "losing," then we are in a good position to not raise our voice.  When one person starts to raise his or her voice, naturally, the other person follows instinctively.  It is a very slippery slope.

For example, a husband might say, "Honey, I'm afraid that if we don't make an offer on this house, someone else will grab it."   

"I know you really like the house, and I like it too.  I was really hoping that I could see more choices.  I'm thinking that maybe there are more choices out there."

"I'm not sure that what you saying is true.  We saw 10 houses, so I am feeling a bit eager to make a move."

Does a conversation ever go like this between a husband and wife?  No.  One person raises his or her voice and makes the other person feel bad.

"What do you mean you want more choices!  We saw 10 houses already!  What else do you want?!  You’re being too damn picky!"

It happens all the time.  No wonder marriage is such a difficult union. 

So what to do if you blow your top? 

If you are able to be humble, apologize, and melt like butter, then there is a chance. 

"I'm sorry, dear, I just got out of control.  I couldn't help myself."  Show great love and humility as you say this.  Melt like butter.  What if you can’t do this?

Some people have a very hard time apologizing.  Do something nice to show you are sorry.

When you hurt each other, you build a wall.  Even if the other person forgives you, the wall is still there, because subconsciously, the mental impressions are still there.

Only time can cure this.  Just like wounds heal in time, the emotional wounds we create also take time to heal.

In our modern fast-paced world, much of our difficulty in marriage often lies in the fact that two people are trying to do the job of three people.  While I’m not against both partners pursuing a career, a husband and wife should carefully think about the how they will tackle the challenges that they will encounter without getting angry and bitter at each other.  Equally important, is that the sense of unity not be lost in such a pursuit.  It is much too easy to hand over the children to the television, computer, and video games.  While these things are not bad, they can become excessive.  It is much too easy for the family to drift apart.  Pray together, play together, and talk to each other.  And if you can afford it, hire a house keeper, or a routine maid service.

I’m sure that you can think of other common ingredients that aid in a successful marriage, such as integrity and trust.  We lie many times every day without even knowing it.  This seems to be the way of the world.  But if the lies are big or the motives are bad, then the trust is betrayed.  We should try to be sincere.  If we complement someone, why not let it be a sincere complement?  Why can we not truly find something nice?  Can we sometimes complement without any motive?  That’s truly nice, and such admiration can help married couples immensely.  Sometimes lies are meant to prevent other people from being hurt.  I am neither a firm advocate, nor an opponent, for always speaking the truth, but I do believe that we should always try to make sure that our motives are clean.  It is when the motive is not clean that you are at the worst risk for betraying trust. 

This final tip might be a good one for those that are new to the world of marriage.  A husband and a wife should promote his or her own individuality, and have some time for himself or herself.  No man should be “husband” 24 hours a day, and no woman should be “wife’ 24 hours per day.  What that means is that a couple should excel in their own interests, and enjoy their time apart, just as much as they enjoy their time together, because after all, how can you miss someone if you are not away from them?  Totally forget each other and excel in your career or interests, mentally, and emotionally.  Try not calling each other.  You will meet anyway, at the end of the day, and I hope that you can always keep your love!

Marriage is a challenge.  But what is life without a challenge?  If you live up to the challenge, you will be richer, wiser, and more understanding for the experience.
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